My Service to Humanity…
I am often asked, “What made you want to become a death doula?” While this question has many answers, there are 3 primary reasons near and dear to my heart as to why I walk alongside those nearing the end of life and their families…
1) My Grandmother
March of 2018 was the most difficult timeframe of my life. I was in my second to last year of nursing school when my mema (grandmother) became sick from COPD exacerbation. I remember the day I called EMS to pick her up from the house due to difficulty breathing. Days went by of her being in the ICU and my appreciation grew for the nurse’s caring for her, especially the honesty regarding her condition. She struggled to breathe at night even with the CPAP on. I pulled the dayshift nurse aside asking, “She’s dying, isn’t she?" The nurse looked at me and nodded. With water-filled eyes, I looked at my mema lying in the hospital bed, her being unaware of the situation and full of hope that she was going home. I held it together because I didn’t have the strength to tell her the reality of what was happening. She was placed in a hospice house where I witnessed the natural cycle of death begin to play out. With a struggling breath, she said “I want to go home!” She came home on hospice care where my mother and I took care of her; a hospice nurse only came 1-2 times per week. Between me working full-time nights, going to school during the day, and switching shifts with my mom, caring for my mema began to take a toll on us physically, mentally, and emotionally. During my mema’s journey and after she passed, I kept saying, “I wish we had more help.” I didn’t know death doulas existed until I was well into my nursing career. I never want anyone to experience caregiver burnout - burnout is real and I’m here to ensure no one has this kind of experience.
2) Uncomfortable Conversations
While working as a nurse in the ICU I often encountered doctors pushing surgeries on elderly patients, giving families hope with chances of positive outcomes yet withholding the information regarding their quality of life given they survive the procedure, as well as healthcare professionals tip-toeing around the topic of death. I understand death and dying isn’t something most people are comfortable talking about because as a society we are taught to fear death and physicians are trained to do everything they can to keep someone alive. The lack of attention in death care broke my heart, I began to think, “There has to be a better way to honor where people are in their life’s cycle.” Nurses, social workers, and doctors do not have the time to sit with families about the reality of their loved one’s conditions or talk to them about where they are emotionally, mentally, and physically. As a death doula, a major part of my role is being comfortable talking to families about death which takes the pressure off healthcare professionals. I am there to advocate for the dying person in a way the healthcare team is unable to. I have the time to sit with the dying person and their family, adequately educate them on the natural dying process, and work with healthcare workers, essentially providing that safe space we all need and deserve at the end of life.
3) Dying Alone is Frickin Scary
I’ve seen people die inhumanely and alone and it is not how it should be. Just because dying alone is common and normalized doesn’t mean it needs to be that way. Everyone deserves a “good death” that is tailored to how the dying person envisions this process. We live these long, beautiful, wild, and crazy lives to be forgotten about. There is a better way, and death doulas can provide that sense of peace for all parties involved. I conducted a survey, with 200 participants, the number one reason why people struggle with dying was due to who and what they’ll leave behind and the second was fear of dying alone. Preparing for the end of life mitigates the chances of someone dying alone, provides autonomy over the final days of life, and decreases stress and anxiety for the family as well as the dying person. Part of my services offers planning and sitting with the dying person leading up to their final days as well as during the active dying process to create an ideal space for a peaceful passage.